© 2020 Arabella K. Federico All Rights Reserved​

A blog about how tough relationships can actually transform your entire outlook on love-for the positive.

Why I'm Thankful My Soulmate Was A F**kboy

How I went from being bitter, angry, and pessimistic about a guy who could never love me back-to realizing he was everything I’ve always needed. 
      To begin, I need to actually define the term: “Soulmate” for you. Because it’s probably not what you think. It’s not always “The One”. The Prince Charming we spend happy forever after with.  Whatever the situation may be with this person, it doesn’t always last or go well- it’s a common misconception. Elizabeth Gilbert said about soulmates:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your wall and smack you awake…They break your heart open so light can get in, make you so out of control that you are to transform your life…”

Have YOU met a Soulmate? Take this simple Quiz to see if you have.  

Now that you understand the type of Soulmate I’m talking about, let me digress back to the relationship I’m referring to. You know the type, right? Dark hair and eyes, the big shoulders, the cocky-cheeky son of a gun who you hate to love so much? Mmmhhmmm, that was him. If I could pick my “type”-he’d pretty much be in line with it. We both felt this mysterious pull towards each other over the years. Truthfully, I could just FEEL he was different from all the others. Being next to him was like…Jupiter and Earth colliding and us two caught in the middle of it. Fireworks and butterflies is a hilarious comparison to what it felt like to be in his presence. Sounds great right? Where’s the wedding ring and nuptials, let’s get this over with! Happily ever after!!

See, I WOULD think that. Would you?

  After years of putting up with his indecisiveness, consistent inconsistencies, lies, manipulation, and 15th second chance-we finally decided to give us a chance at a real relationship. Timing was perfect. I felt like I finally had my chance to show him how perfect we’d be together.

 And I know you’re thinking…”How could you give him another chance?” You really think this guy is your Soulmate?

 Though, you have to think of it like this… how could any girl just let go of her Soulmate??? Believe me, I thought he was “The One”. That’s like-really dumb to let that go, right? I was convinced at this point that I could get over all the crap he had put me through. Of course, being the hopeless romantic that I was, I decided to give him one last final chance; again. 

No longer was I the girl he wasn’t choosing. I was going to the one chosen this time; and I was sure of it.

 In the beginning, it was perfect. My guy was giving me his time and attention, we were going out on the best dates, and the sex (which we never had up until this point) was on another level. More than ever I was convinced this was my guy-my person; my Soulmate! All the pain, tears, and self-doubt were all worth it because now this guy loves me. Finally! We were star-crossed lovers that were totally meant to be together forever. I was on cloud nine; until I wasn’t.

You don't need a soulmate to make you happy. BE someone who makes you happy.

   When we hit being together for almost six month, I was feeling something deep down that was off. My vibes were screaming at me to open up my eyes. I didn’t want to. Nobody wants to see the red-flags, the signs of a true fuckboy. The player who was in my arms at night…I just didn’t want him to be that person. How could MY Soulmate be a perpetual lair? A manipulative, passive-aggressive asshole I waited years just to be with?? The Universe could not being do this to me.

 then, I saw a red flag that I couldn’t ignore, and it was literally red.

 A red hair-to be exact. In his shower. I knew without a doubt that wasn’t MY hair in his shower, but in fact was the hair of his ex-girlfriend. Apparently the one who was supposedly long gone like a year ago-that ex girlfriend.

A happy woman standing in front of a wall with two flexing arms that are heavily muscled Symbolizing strength-inside and out.

We can all be strong women-without anyone else validating it for us. Soulmate or no soulmate.

 As I remember asking him about it,  he responded with: “I dunno who’s hair that is.” Like that was some type of acceptable answer. So as he slept, I sat awake-fuming. Just, absolutely losing my mind because I knew I couldn’t ignore this one-I couldn’t excuse this shit like I always had. Like when he ignored me for that bartender girl. Or when he would be constantly getting texts and making sure his phone was facing down. I couldn’t stay blind any longer. 

This dude was a fuckboy with a capitol F. Honestly, weren’t all the guys I’ve dated in my life just like him? Jerks who lie. Assholes who never choose me over the other girl. Men who disrespected me because I let them do it.


He wasn’t a blip in my dating life-he was the embodiment of it. 

   I watched him sleeping for a moment after I rage ate an entire pint of ice cream from his freezer, and I knew in my heart it was going to be the last time I’ll ever see him. I considered waiting until morning, confronting him about it again, but I knew he would only lie. And I was done with the lies. Leaving in the middle of the night was oddly satisfying to me, and it was the last time I ever saw him. 
A quote from a blog post about relationships-"He wasn't a blip in my dating life-he was the embodiment of it."

 Now, you may be thinking that’s the end of the story, cry and move on, right? Well, I did cry some, but I felt like I eventually saw something that I failed to realize the last 50 times I walked out of his life. Or with any other relationship I’ve ever had with this type of guy. What I realized from this last breakdown of this relationship was that it wasn’t HIM who was the one to blame-

it was ME.

ME who was allowing this man to do what he was doing. Flirting with other women in front of me while I sat there silent-I allowed it. Allowing him to skirt off on lies that I knew were lies. Fearing losing him again was so stressful I was letting him treat me like shit with absolutely zero consequences for those behaviors. In the past I’ve walked out over big things, but I always came back. Of course he knew this. This guy knew that he could pretty much do anything to me and I’d eventually forgive and forget and he can go on doing whatever the hell he wanted to-damn who he hurt in the process. Furthermore, it was seeing this truth that completely transformed my outlook on this relationship and catapulted me into an entirely new transformation of how I felt about myself, relationships, and life in general.

I could finally see why all my other relationships felt like a bad re-runs of  a 70’s TV Show.

Eventually I had found myself asserting boundaries with friends, family, and co-workers where I never have been able to before. Guys had attempted to treat me like all the other ones before them and I nipped it in the bud quickly. Becoming so encompassed in my single lady badassery that I was no longer worried about if I had a man or not. Because I was so good with who I am now that I started to respect myself more. 

The more I felt better about myself, the more confident I grew. The more confident I became, the more personal power I discovered.

 Never again will I let disrespect go on. No matter who a person is or what status they claim in my life. I’m not afraid to speak up and tell a guy that his fuckboy behavior isn’t okay and I won’t be scared of it making him run for the hills. Good guys don’t get turned off by healthy boundaries, only the fuckboys do. There’s no validating needing to be done in the way I needed that before. That void that wanted to be filled with someone-purely for the sake of being with anyone-was no longer there.


"You can't pour from an empty cup. It's your job to take care of yourself, mind and body, and fill your life up with so much goodness that you can't help but overflow it into the world." ~Katerina Baratta

   Doing all that before was a major struggle…and it took me heartbreak after heartbreak with that same guy to finally GET IT. If he wasn’t such an jerk who lied to me repeatedly, who manipulated and made me feel so bad about myself at times; I never would have learned that lesson. Do I still believe he’s a Soulmate? Yes I do. Forgiving him and letting go of all that hate and bitterness to see that lesson there was easy once I had this epiphany. What I learned was so vital to my overall growth as a human being and a woman. Nobody else could have shaken me that hard, break my heart so badly, change me so profoundly; if it wasn’t a Soulmate. 

a Soulmate will transform Us.-no matter what shape they take.

Why I'm thankful my soulmate was a fuckboy

   By telling this story, I hope other women and men stop glamorizing the idea of a Soulmate and start to see them for what they really are: great agents for change and growth. A blog post by Micheal Alcee on Thrive Global is a very interesting take from a PhD’s perspective. Hollywood has portrayed this person as one specific thing-and I swear it was that notion all by itself that took me years to unravel and realize it wasn’t true. It wasn’t real. Personal growth and evolution as a human being that was accelerated through the massive character flaws of this guy WAS REAL. Spilling out into every facet of my life. 

We all want those Disney movies to be real-and for it to be us, but sometimes things play out differently in real life. I think real life is better-way more profound than riding off into the sunset with some guy. I’d rather take what I got, pain, tears, and all. Because I fully believe if he wasn’t such a douche, I probably would still be the same old girl, with the same old problems; dating the same old guy over and over again. Now, tell me: would it be worth it to you? 

A Blog by Arabella K. Federico.


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